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Messing with my Head

March 19, 2017

In my head, I have a certain image of myself where I’m always the hero of my own story.  When faced with a challenge I view myself as a person who will overcome any obstacle by grit.

I am facing a challenge:  I am losing my mobility.  With a great deal of pain, I can walk on flat surfaces.  If I’m very, very careful and have some luck I won’t fall down.  This is as it has been for a while.  My new challenge is the stairs.  I haven’t been able to reliably walk the stairs in over 3 months.

I want to tackle and conquer this problem like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV.  While I don’t intend to drag around a sled full of boulders, I keep picturing that I can fight this and come back stronger.

The truth, however, is that this might be a forever thing.  I have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad knee that isn’t going to get better until I get the joint replaced.  I can work to strengthen the muscles around the knee to compensate, but every time I pledge to be fierce the weather makes a painful change, I have a flare-up, or I fall down the stairs.  I want to become best friends with my treadmill, but the doctor ordered “no treadmill.”

This is messing with my head.  I don’t feel like I’m acting like a hero; I feel like I’m under the circumstances and can’t catch much of a break.  I know I should fight like a warrior, but I really just want to stay in my bed and watch Netflix until the pain stops.

I need to come up with a plan.  Right now my plan involves Netflix and needlepoint — I’m stitching WWRD. (What Would Rocky Do?)

I’ll be fierce tomorrow.



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  1. you are fierce every. single. day.

  2. Cyn permalink

    Sorry you are feeling such pain, but it sounds like you need the knee replacement sooner rather than later. I recently had shoulder surgery, and I too, was worried about being intubated, but I came thru just fine. Maybe it damaged my laranyx, maybe not, but the tumor in my shoulder is gone!

  3. My Dr, just casually dropped the name of this disease to me over the phone as a possibility and told me to google it. YIKES I’m desparately looking for resources and HOPE!

    • If you google this disease, you will find old statistics that are very depressing. Join the RP – Relapsing Polychondritis Awareness and Support FB group. You’ll find many of us living nearly normal lives and some folks who have been living with this disease for decades!!! There is hope!

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