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I Forgot

April 15, 2016

I am exhausted, as in “I could sleep 10 hours and wake up and STILL be tired” exhausted.

I had an infusion earlier this week and they usually leave me a bit wiped out, dizzy, groggy, and not steady on my feet.  But this isn’t that sort of tired.

I’ve been walking with a friend through an emotional week and that can leave me feeling drained and empty, but this isn’t that sort of tired.

I’ve been working a lot.  As I am gradually lessening my workload in my current circumstance, I’m building a new type of job that I will be able to do from home, and I’m doing that extra work when? … in my spare time.  HA!  Spare time.  What’s that?  Working toward a second job in my non-existent spare time leaves me feeling burned out and unable to think, but this isn’t that sort of tired.

As always, I am in pain this week.  It kept me awake last night.  It followed me everywhere I went on today’s twelve-hour marathon.  As I sat in a meeting, I wished I could change positions to lessen the pain.  I mostly couldn’t, and it didn’t work when I could.  As I stood at an event this evening, I changed shoes (just say “no” to heels!) hoping that would give me some relief.  It didn’t.  I’m home now, wondering if I should try to accomplish some at-home chores but instead am just sitting and thinking.  Now that I’ve stopped moving, the pain is kind of washing over me.  Everywhere.   I just thought “I want to give up and go to bed and try again tomorrow” but argued “but you have so much to do!”  I sat and thought a little while longer and then remembered:  Pain is Exhausting.  I could try to accomplish a few things tonight, but my body has been fighting the pain battle all day.  How could I have forgotten that being in pain causes this exact type of tired?

I am officially out of spoons for the day.



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