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Not Helpful

October 23, 2013

I tearily mentioned to someone tonight that I was worried about the outcome of tomorrow’s test.  They told me that I should not be worried until I knew for sure what was wrong.  They reminded me that it could be nothing or many things other than the big! scary! diagnosis.

That’s pretty good advice, but not too helpful.  I’ve been waiting for this test for over four weeks and done a pretty good job of not worrying… until today.  I am not sure why I was so upset today; I have had many difficult doctor days in the last year and have usually lived in denial until I got to the hospital. Maybe today was difficult because I am still so exhausted from the vicious food poisoning?  I don’t have a lot of reserve energy right now.

I felt like this woman told me that I was doing this “sick” thing wrong.  It’s MY sick thing and I’ll do it any way that I please, thankyouverymuch.  Stubborn?  Me?   I think I wish she would have said, “Hey, that’s pretty scary stuff.  Let’s pray together and ask God for peace.”  Since I am not perfect (shocking, isn’t it?), I will not hold her to the standard of perfection that I cannot meet.  I do not hold grudges, but I know that she is someone that I won’t unburden myself to in the future.

My Bible study homework brought me to Isaiah 43:2 tonight.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned.

I read this as “I, God, will not leave you alone.  Nothing you go through will separate us.  Ever.”

I think it’s time for bed since I’ve (gently, classily) wept off all my makeup.

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